


feelings are fatal

by mxalele



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Drug Use, Gay, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Pining, Sad Ending, Sad Michael, Sad Rich, Songfic, Unrequited Love, Vomiting, a bit gross, boyf riends — Freeform, but nothing too graphic i guess?, im proud of this though, is this a vent fic, oh yeah, really sad, tw!!!:, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 08:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12164796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxalele/pseuds/mxalele
Summary: "Do you ever regret it?" He inquired, glancing over at Jeremy and feeling an ache in his chest. He then turned back to look at Rich to see that his eyes were closed. His voice wavered when he answered, "Every day."--The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.





	feelings are fatal

September 19, 2015. That was the day that Michael coughed up the first petal. He had been sitting beside Jeremy, and they were playing video games in his basement. Michael had been listening to Jeremy ramble on about Christine over the 8-bit music of 'Apocalypse of the Damned', and he coughed into his hand. Jeremy had stopped talking. "You okay?" Michael nodded, and Jeremy kept right on talking, neither of them noticing the yellow flower petal stuck to the front of Michael's jeans. When Michael stood to walk Jeremy out, the petal had fallen on the floor, and that was it. Michael waved a pining Jeremy off, ignoring the pain in his chest

**_I'm happy for you_ **

 

 

"Michael!" He heard Jeremy call. Looking up, he saw his best friend walking over, an idiotic grin on his face. Michael smiled right back, his heart full of an emotion unbeknownst to him at the time. Jeremy had sat down, dropping his backpack into his lap and looking over at Michael with a confused expression. "Boyf?" He sighed, gesturing towards his backpack, "What does that even mean?" Michael blinked, wordlessly pulling off his own backpack and placing it beside Jeremy's, his face burning. Jeremy had blinked, and flushed "I hate this school." When the bell rang, and he watched Jeremy watch Christine, and coughed violently. In his hand, there were about five bright yellow flower petals, the tips soaked with blood. Michael ran into the bathroom and spat a mouthful of blood into the sink. Oh.

**_I'm smiling for you_ **

 

 

Michael knew that this 'Squip' thing was a bad idea, but Jeremy had given him that look and how could he say no? How could he deny Jeremy anything? As he stood outside of Payless, Michael recalled their conversation from the previous night:

"We'll just go and see if his story checks out." Jeremy said quickly, eyes pleading. 

Michael had sighed. "And if it does? Will you be too cool for.." /me?/ "Video Games?" He knew he had paused for too long by the look on Jeremy's face.

"Hey, man-You know that you're my favorite person." Jeremy had said with a small half smile, sliding an arm around Michael's shoulders and turning to look at him. Their faces were so close together, Michael could feel Jeremy's hot breath on his cheek, and his face warmed up immediately. "That doesn't mean that I can't still dream."

"Is it really true?" Michael had breathed, awestruck, before realizing that he sounded too sappy and that Jeremy would question it. Quickly, he added, "I'm your favowite pewson?" Jeremy had pulled away and shoved him with a laugh.

"We're never not gonna be a team."

He was brought from his thoughts when Jeremy walked up to him, holding a shoebox. He dumped it's contents into his hand, showing it to Michael. They stopped and got a Mountain Dew, then, Michael watched intently as Jeremy brought the pill to his lips.

"We should split it."

Michael blinked "I don't think that's how it works. And besides, I like to think that when you're cool, you'll owe me." He grinned. Jeremy had nodded solemnly, and took the pill.

"How do you feel?" Michael asked, waiting for an answer with baited breath. Jeremy looked thoughtful, then frowned.

"I feel like I just blew my Bar Mitzvah money on a wintergreen tic-tac." Jeremy grumbled, and Michael felt bad for him, but also relieved. At least Jeremy would still be his friend.

_**I'd do anything or you, for you** _

 

 

Jeremy wasn't talking to Michael, and he didn't know why. Had he done something wrong? At the mall, Michael had sat by the door with his case of Crystal Pepsi for an hour. Jeremy had never showed up, so he went home and hacked up seventeen flower petals (he had counted) into his bathroom sink, the petals soaked and dripping with blood.

The next day, Michael waved at Jeremy in the hall. Jeremy ignored him, and Michael watched him walk down the hall. His chest hurt.

The day after that, he had been walking out of Physics class and Jeremy had walked right into him, smiling that smile that Michael could never turn away from and acting like Michael had been the one avoiding him.

"Wait. It worked, didn't it?" Michael said, slowly putting the puzzle pieces together. "Jeremy, that's amazing! We-We gotta celebrate! We gotta get stoned in my basement!" He ran to the front doors of the school and looked back just in time to see Jeremy walk right past him, going down the steps and taking the hand of some blonde girl that Michael didn't know the name of. Michael had ran into the school bathroom and locked himself in a stall, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. When he glanced down, he saw that there was only blood in the toilet, and a few mutilated yellow petals.

_**It's always for you, and never for me**_

 

 

Michael was constantly trying to talk to Jeremy in any way that he could, but Jeremy pushed him aside each time. Every text would go undelivered, every phone call going straight to voicemail. He would toss notes onto Jeremy's desk, and Jeremy would knock them onto the floor. Every time, Michael was cast aside. Every time, he ended up on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from his lips as flower petals floated gracefully from his open mouth.

_**And I need it to stop, so let me tell you please**_

 

 

Jeremy didn't talk to Michael for two weeks after that. Michael sat alone at lunch and saw Jeremy sitting across the cafeteria every day. After lunch, Michael would go into the bathroom, sick, and vomit into the toilet or sink, flower petals sticking to the blood that coated his lips. Three days before Halloween, Michael had been kneeling over the toilet when he felt something stuck in his throat. He had coughed, feeling his air supply being cut short, and gagged as he spat out a small yellow flower. The few moments in which he couldn't breathe were sweet, and he relished them. At least he wasn't thinking about Jeremy.

**_I'm always sad and I'm always lonely_ **

 

 

On Halloween, Michael had stepped out of his comfort zone and went to the party. He stood in the corner, sipping a watered-down beer, and pretending to text someone. When he saw Jeremy walking down the stairs, he made a beeline for the bathroom and hid in the bathtub. When Jeremy came in, he jumped up, and Jeremy had screamed. Once the formalities were out of the way, Jeremy was silent, and Michael's anger got the better of him.

"What? Squip got your tongue?" He spat, venomously, and once he got started, he couldn't stop. "You know, I was thinking about this moment, what I was going to say to you. I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through /twelve years/ of friendship!" He felt tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to spill over when Jeremy smiled that stupid smile that Michael could never say no to.

"I-I'm just so happy to see you, man!

"You won't be."

_**But I can't tell you that I'm breaking slowly**_

 

 

"He went crazy trying to get it out!" Michael yelled, despising the way his voice wavered. The bathroom was dead silent, and Jeremy spoke, voice barely above a whisper.

"Well then, I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?"

Michael just stared at him, speechless, and Jeremy turned to leave. Michael walked around him, standing in front of the door. He tried to meet Jeremy's eyes.

"Come on man, move it." Jeremy spat, not looking at him, and Michael's heart was breaking but he still had a bit of hope that the Jeremy he had known since preschool-the Jeremy he had come to adore, the Jeremy he needed to survive-was still in there somewhere.

"Or you'll what?" He tried to sound confident as he felt. After all, Jeremy would listen to him. Jeremy cared about him. 

Jeremy wouldn't just leave him here.

"Get out of my way." Michael's best friend of twelve years said softly, narrowing his eyes. "You loser."

Michael just stood there, too shocked to even move. He looked up, meeting Jeremy's eyes, practically begging to see the real Jeremy. The Jeremy he thought he knew.

He saw nothing.

_**Closed doors, locked in, no keys** _

 

 

The door slammed, and Michael walked numbly across the room, kneeling over the toilet as he felt bile rising in his throat. He vomited, blood dripping down his chin as he felt something stuck in his throat. He opened his mouth and tugged at the small string in his mouth, pulling it out to reveal that it was a stem, covered with thorns that dug into his hands. Attached to the end was a large yellow flower, wilting. The flower seemed to shrivel up and die in his hands, and Michael felt his heart do the same.

_**Keep my feelings hidden, there is no ease** _

 

 

Michael figured that he had been in the bathroom for about twenty minutes when he smelled the smoke. He looked around in disbelief, sure that he was wrong. Smoke? That meant there was-oh. He got up, strangely calm, and went to open the door, but the doorknob was scathingly hot and he pulled his hand back with a wince.

Holy shit. There was a fire. 

He climbed onto the toilet seat and tugged at the small window, struggling to get it open. Thick black smoke started to collect on the ceiling, and he coughed as he tried to pry the window open.  The smoke was filling the room quicker and quicker, and it was getting harder to breathe. He started coughing, blood dripping down onto his shirt and tears filling his eyes once again. 

'I don't want to die.' He thought to himself, and he found that it was true.

He pulled up on the window as hard as he could, and it opened with a deafening screech. It was small, and he scrambled out regardless, tumbling out onto the ground, which was about five feet away. He landed on his back, hacking up a lung and staring up at the sky above him, feeling the heat radiating off of the building.

He was alive.

_**I need it to stop** _

 

 

Michael stood at the top of the steps, the bottle of Mountain Dew Red in his shaking hands. He had to do this. For Jeremy. He burst through the curtains, a fake grin on his face. 

"Michael makes an entrance!" He yelled, attracting the attention of everyone there. Jeremy's smile almost made it all worth it, and Michael's heart seemed to melt. That wonderful smile.

"Michael!" Jeremy cried out, and that was enough to get him motivated.

"Jake! This is going to sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?"

Jake grinned and took the bottle, then screamed out in agony before a sickeningly twisted smile settled on his face. His arm twisted, and he poured the soda onto the floor with a wicked laugh.

"Michael! There's still a few drops left!" Jeremy pointed to the bottle lying on the ground, and Michael picked it up, tossing it to Jeremy, who raised it to his lips. A bit of hope flickered in Michael's chest, lighting up inside of him and filling him with a fleeting moment of glee. 'Drink it!" He wanted to yell, but he fell silent as Christine stepped forward.

With each word she spoke, his heart seemed to sink a bit more. He knew that Jeremy loved Christine, more than anything. Jeremy leaned in, wide eyes, and opened his mouth. 'This is where it ends.' Michael thought to himself, and the sight of them made him sick. He tasted blood in his mouth and it took all of his willpower to keep from breaking down right there. Then, he heard Jeremy's voice.

"Drink this."

_**And I want to be able** _

 

 

Michael stayed with Jeremy in the hospital. Jeremy had apologized more times than Michael could count, and every time, Michael had lied and smiled. "It's okay." He tried to act like things were fine, but every day he felt worse. One night, Michael was sitting beside a sleeping Jeremy's bedside, when he heard a voice coming from the other side of the room.

"You love him, huh?" Michael pulled back the curtain to reveal Rich Goranski sitting there, looking a bit thoughtful, and..something else. Something else, something that Michael didn't pick up again until Rich spoke. "You have it, right?" Reminiscence. 

"Have what?" He asked, even though he already knew.

"You know." Rich gestured vaguely "The flowers."

Michael didn't reply, and that was all Rich needed to know. The room was silent, before Rich cleared his throat.

"I did, too." Michael looked at him in shock to see Rich sitting there, a sad smile on his face as he stared down at his lap. "I got it removed. And when I did, all the feelings were gone." He looked up at Michael, his eyes glassy, and it took Michael a long time to answer.

"Do you ever regret it?" He inquired, glancing over at Jeremy and feeling an ache in his chest. He then turned back to look at Rich to see that his eyes were closed. His voice wavered when he answered,

"Every day." 

_**To open up but** _

 

 

By the time that Jeremy got out of the hospital, Michael's condition had gotten much worse. Every time he saw Jeremy, he would feel sick, and when Jeremy touched him, he had to excuse himself and run off to the bathroom, staining the toilet water red and looking down at the large yellow flowers with disdain and misery.

When Jeremy started dating Christine, Michael thought that he would be able to handle it, but he was wrong. When Jeremy told him, Michael had excused himself, ran into the bathroom and hacked up another stem, his throat raw from the scraping of the thorns and his chest aching from the flowers burrowing in his lungs.

Now, it's December 17th. Michael hasn't seen Jeremy in a week. Neither of them have made an effort to see each other. Michael doesn't go to class anymore, his stays in his car getting stoned and coughing up flowers as it gets harder and harder to breathe.

He feels himself suffocating, and he closes his eyes as he takes another hit. And even though he knows he's dying, he can't make it stop. He feels his heat catch flame every time he sees Jeremy, an eternal flame, and that's his weakness. He would do anything for Jeremy. Even die for him.

_**My feelings are fatal** _

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment if you liked it!


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